Of Fairy Tale Proportions
by razra
Summary: Where Mustang plays a prank.


Notes: I will be following the basic story lines of both the anime and the manga but with many changes, so there might be spoilers and - blah, blah, blah. You got the point, yes? Good! I'm too lazy to really explain.

And I'm sorry! It kinda starts out serious, but it gets better! I think.. anyways…

Nii-san (Onii-san) Brother

Summary: And it begins… MUAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Rated: PG-13 for strange ideas, language, and because I don't know how to rate.

Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist. If I did, be very afraid…  
Well, be very afraid anyways!

_**Of Fairy Tale Proportions**_

Chapter 1: Paperwork

"Welcome. Congratulations on passing the test. How does it feel to finally be a dog of the military?" drawled the raven-haired man, stating many facts bluntly. He wore a standard military uniform of blue ("It's just…blue… Not navy, not azure, just…blue…"); the badges indicated that he was of colonel rank. The big chair creaked to some extent as he leaned back into it, though the gentleman didn't go so far as to rest his feet on the pretty desk. Onyx eyes were glazed as he stared mildly at some documents that rested in his hands. "Oh yes," he blinked and leaned toward a boy who was standing on the other side of the small table, "here are the papers" he continued blandly as he placed a packet on the highly polished oak wood. "I'm too lazy to explain but initial here, here, here, and here," he said, flipping the page each time and indicating a line.

"Uh... ok..." muttered the blonde-haired youth, initialing with an "EE" on the designated lines with gloved hands. He was astoundingly undersized for someone his age and wore his hair in a braid. He sported a long, sweeping, scarlet coat with his teacher's emblem on the back; it resembled a snake entwining itself around a cross. At the tip of the cross there were small wings and a crown. Other than the crimson coat and the colorless gloves, he wore black.

"Good," said the Colonel curtly, giving a small nod of approval before motioning toward one of the lieutenants. She too wore the customary military uniform and wore her blonde hair short but with somewhat long bangs. "Hawkeye, send these papers to Headquarters for confirmation."

"Yes, sir," she replied sharply, saluting, then taking the documents and heading out the wooden doors.

"And these," continued the man, pulling out yet more papers and handing them to the boy, "are your copy. They're for you to review. They include information that the military will have of you in their files - you're to check them over - and any information that you will need to know as a state alchemist."

Gloved hands reached over the desk and received the papers; golden eyes reading a few lines before returning to the Colonel as he began to speak once more, "Oh, and one more thing..." He reached into the desk drawer and pulled out a silver watch with the Fuhrer's insignia, a lion/chimera-like creature ("Really? What IS it?"). "You'll want this," he said, carelessly tossing it to the boy.

The impossibly small youngster caught the watch in both hands, glancing at it, perhaps to ensure it was the real thing, before turning his attention toward his superior who was now shuffling through some other important documents that cluttered the massive desk. "Isn't there supposed to be some sort of big ceremony? I was at least expecting trumpets or something.." he grinned warily at the Colonel wondering if this is how the military worked, cheap and ungratifying of new employees that were meant to make life easier.

After a few moments of silence, which was only broken by the few people in the large room and the shuffling of many papers, the words seemed to have finally sunken into thick, raven skull for he replied absentmindedly, "Congratulations on becoming a dog of the military."

This earned him an aggravated look from the boy whose facial expression showed that he couldn't decide if he loathed the man or not. Shaking his head slightly, he turned to leave but stopped. He was in the military now, right? He should show some respect toward his superiors, right? Right. So, he turned around and bowed slightly to the preoccupied man then left through the thick doors with one of the other officers, whatever his name was. ("It's Havoc, boss.")

Of course, this was probably the last time Edward Elric would ever be polite to Colonel Roy ("Bastard!") Mustang.

The rest of the day was devoted to touring the various buildings that belonged to the military, and damn! There was an enormous amount of buildings to trudge through! Of course, Ed reasoned, that was to be expected since these people ran the country. Although, how they could run the nation was a question that needed pondering later. After all, most of the buildings were inhabited by people that were dozing, playing cards, or, taking turns being on watch. Whether they were watching for high ranking officials or suspicious people was the major question that jumped up and down in Ed's head. This inquiry, coupled with the many others ("What's this room for?... Ah… I didn't need to know that…"), gave Ed a headache.

Apparently, when they, the watch dogs, did happen to see important people (A.K.A. Havoc and friend), the guards would jump up, kick those resting their eyes or exercising their wallets, and stand at attention until the group left; the others were left to follow only seconds behind, hastily hiding cards or shoving pillows from sight. Looking behind him, Ed saw that they instantly went back to their posts like good soldiers.

There were a miniscule amount of people, Ed noted, that looked to be diligently working. _Looked_.

But what mystified Ed far more than the idiotic morons running the country was the fact that many, upon seeing him, began to whisper. It wasn't the fact that they were whispering that was so disturbing, but what they were whispering about.

His ears pricked as he caught some of the words of a group and instantly, his face seemed to burst with popping veins. "WHO THE HELL IS SO MINIATURE THAT THEY'RE CUTE AND NEEDS TO BE FED MILK BECAUSE THEY'VE BEEN MISTAKEN FOR A BABY?!??!?!?!??!?"

There was a long and uncomfortable silence, along with multitudes of staring, that ensued the outburst which was only broken by Ed's huffing as he hunted for the guilty culprits.

After that outburst, and a few more, the people of the military quickly learned that their new alchemist had a problem with temper control. The few that suggested anger management found new homes in the hospital where they found they could, with glee, rest their eyes and exercise their wallets to exhaustion with the competent nurses and doctors that reigned there. ("Doctor! There's an emergen- Oohh POKER! LEMME PLAY!")

It wasn't until about midnight that Ed was actually able to return to his room that day. Being rather tired of walking and standing, he plopped onto the couch and stretched. Just as he was wondering where his brother could be, the door opened and admitted the younger Elric.

"Nii-san!" he exclaimed, obviously glad his brother was back. "How was the tour?"

"It was alright. You didn't miss anything," Ed replied, stifling a yawn. Since his brother, Al, wasn't a national alchemist, he hadn't been allowed to tour the appalling place. Instead, he got to wander around Central. Lucky him. "How was the city?"

Al clapped his hands together. "It was AMAZING! There are so many buildings and shops! It's nothing like Risembool!" He waved an arm in the air to demonstrate his point.

Ed smiled at his obvious enthusiasm and closed his eyes. "Of course Central is nothing like Risembool! Risembool is a farming community while Central is the capital!"

"Ahh, well, I guess you're right!" Al said sheepishly, rubbing the back of his head. He then noticed that Ed was holding a small pile of papers. "Nii-san? What's that?" he questioned, pointing at the packet.

Ed blinked. "Oh. These are the papers that the Mustang character gave me. Said something about information, military, and being a state alchemist. Che, whatever. You can look at it if you want," he mumbled, handing the papers over. Obviously, the new nationally acknowledged alchemist had no intention what-so-ever of reading the documents. ("I'll read them later! Jeez!")

Al eagerly took hold of the documents and began to read it. He got to the second page when he suddenly stopped and made gagging noises.

"What's wrong…?" Ed asked, looking over quizzically from where he was resting.

"N-nii-san.. I think you should read this.." he muttered as he stifled what sounded dangerously like a laugh and handed the packet over simultaneously.

Ed looked at his brother suspiciously and took hold of the papers yet again. Scanning the first page, he found that it was just "pleasant pleasantry"; long, pretty words that sounded like something smart, educated people would spew. Che, right. The people of the military sure are _smart_.

This then led him to the information that the military would hold in its files about him, Ed the Great. He wondered why they would have this sort of page, but shrugged and began reading.

First Name: Edwina

Ed blinked. Was that what he thought it said? No..That couldn't be… He must be seeing things.

He shook his head, rubbed his eyes, and began to read once more.

First Name: Edwina Eileen Elmira Emmaline Erica Esther Ethel Evaline

His eye indivertibly twitched and a vein appeared on his forehead. "WHAT THE HELL?!?!?!" he yelled.

His brother winced at Ed's sudden explosion. "Ooohhhh, it gets better." he whispered.

Was that_ glee_ Ed heard? Horrified, and wanting to find out what else it said about him, he went back to reading while pondering what other trash the packet could disgorge,

Last Name: Elric-Elwood

Thoughts ran through Ed's head at this. He wasn't sure what to make of the hyphenated last name, but it most definitely was _not_ right. His mother's maiden name had _not_ been Elwood.

Were they implying that he was a bastard child?!

Another vein popped on his head. What the hell were these people thinking? The oafs writing this must have been smoking something big to screw up an easy thing like his first and last name! ("HOW HARD IS IT TO WRITE 'EDWARD ELRIC'?!?! E-D-W-A-R-D E-L-R-I-C!!!!")

Second Name: Pocket-Sized Alchemist

"WHAT?!?!??! WHO'S SO SMALL AND PUNY THAT THEY WOULD FIT INTO A POCKET AND GET SMUSHED BECAUSE OF A PENCIL?!?!?" he roared, veins popping all over his head. He was holding the papers so tightly that they had actually begun to rip.

"N-nii-san!" Al exclaimed, unsure if he wanted to interrupt the older Elric. After a few seconds, he decided that it would be wise to put up some safety measures while there was time. So, shrinking into a corner, he began to draw an alchemical circle on the floor with a piece of chalk he had taken from his pocket. After completing the circle, Al watched Ed rant with his hands hovering near the newly drawn circle.

Ed, meanwhile, was creating quite a storm as he glared at the despicable fairy tale. It was about then that he noticed the line following his second name.

Gender: F

"WHAT THE-?!?!??!?!? SINCE WHEN AM I A GIRL??!?!?!??!" he shrieked louder than the hurricane he had been creating before as he completely shredded the paper in half and then destroyed it further by crumpling the halves in his hands.

There was a sudden gust of air as soldiers filled the room with their guns pointing in all directions, clearly thinking that the siblings had been in danger.

Ed glowered at the intrusion and the soldiers shrunk into the shadows.

"My!" one whispered to his friend as they all recoiled from the volatile explosive. "She has scary eyes!"

"And what a mouth!" his friend whispered back.

It took some time for Alphonse Elric to assure the people that they were indeed fine and that it was imperative that they leave; however, they kept hesitating due to a certain Pocket-Sized Alchemist who kept screaming about seemingly harmless objects used in interesting and inventive ways and a poor raven haired man who was the intended victim of all this love. What was even more surprising was the fact that this marvelously vertically impaired girl screeched this all, and more, without taking a breath; a feat worth noting by opera singers and _The Guinness Book of World Records_. ("Now why would such a cute kid want to kill someone? I just don't get it! Maybe the 'gentleman' ran off with her mother?")

The next day found Ed storming through Central causing a large ruckus as he gently forced a great many doors to merge with the walls that held them ("N-nii-san! I think you should stop slamming the doors! We'll have to take them out later!"). Al was following a safe distance behind, apologizing to anyone that had the misfortune to meet the time bomb; however, there weren't many people to expressregret to despite the disturbance Ed was causing. It may have been due to the fact that it was three in the morning and the building only housed, at that moment, sleepy guards. It probably hadn't occurred to the Pocket-Sized Alchemist that the man he wished to have a pleasant, cheerful chat with wouldn't be there that early, let alone over half of the military personnel.

The two soon arrived at the Colonel's office and took the liberty of barging in. Of course, no one was there. Ed, unperturbed by this fact, though annoyed, began to pace and mutter as Al took a seat in a chair. From his position, Al caught a few of the words Ed happened to be mumbling, like "blissful," "bastard," and "going to."

Al was sure that whatever Ed was planning, it wasn't "going to be very blissful for the 'bastard'" unless, Al mused, being 'blissful' meant the inability to feel one's body. He made a mental note to ask the Colonel about it if, no, he berated himself, _when_ he wakes up.

As it turned out, the two brothers waited roughly twelve hours for the kind man who, Al was sure, to be found 'mysteriously' in the sewers later that day though he truly hoped that wouldn't be the case this time. Roy had helped them a lot despite what his brother would poison the air with. Anyways, he would miss the cheesecakes. ("MILK IS THE DEVIL'S DRINK!!!!!! CHEESECAKE IS ITS DESSERT!!!!")

"What is the meaning of this?!" Ed growled when the pleasant man finally walked in, yawning ("The _nerve_! It's past noon! I'm trying to slee-oh! Colonel, sir!").

"Hm?" Roy blinked blankly at the shredded papers. Recognition filled his eyes as he realized what they were. "What are you talking about?" he smirked. Ed so sorely wished to throttle him, but he needed the bastard to be conscious to fix this, but afterwards… Well, _anything_ was game.

Anyways, Roy obviously already knew what was typed in the papers, and Ed detested him for not getting to the point.

"This! THIS! WHY IS MY NAME EDWINA EILEEN ELMIRA EMMALINE ERICA ESTHER ETHEL EVALINE?!?!??!?! WHY DOES IT SAY I'M A GIRL?!?!? WHY IS MY LAST NAME ELRIC-ELWOOD?!?!??! AND WHY IN HELL IS MY SECOND NAME 'POCKET-SIZED ALCHEMIST'?!?!" he roared, pointing at the half papers in his hands and losing precious control over his temper. ("Wow! He memorized it! That makes things so much easier!")

Mustang's smirk grew. "Really? Well, I guess I was just thinking about the girls I was dating when I wrote the name, I suppose," he shrugged impassively, still wearing a smirk. "The female part? Well, you _do_ look like a girl! No one can deny that!" he paused dramatically, waiting for the blonde to explode. When he didn't ("Nii-san! It's a record!"), Roy continued the abuse with a thoughtful look.

"However, the second name is the Fuhrer's doing. I have no say in those. Though, I imagine he was thinking along the lines of, 'She's so petite and adorable! In fact, she could fit into my pocket! Oh! I know-'"

"WHO'S SO PETITE AND ADORABLE THAT THEY'RE OFTEN MISTAKEN FOR A DOLL AND BROUGHT HOME BY FIVE YEAR-OLDS!!!" Ed exploded, his eyes shooting daggers at his superior. "CHANGE IT!!!"

The Colonel blinked, feigning shock. "Change it? But I can't!" A grin slowly filled his faceto replace the astonishment. "You see, you already initialed your agreement! Look!" He deftly took the papers from the alchemist and smoothed them over the desk placing the two halves together. "You signed this, this, this, and this."  
"ARG!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Ed bellowed and immediately followed the cry of distress with words that would make a nun lose her hair and a sailor choke on his drink as he pointed an accusatory finger at Roy.  
"My, oh my!" Mustang exclaimed, placing a hand against his cheek in mock astonishment. "Did you hear that Hawkeye?" He asked his lieutenant, turning slightly to face her. She was standing nearby with a clipboard in one hand and her other resting on a polished gun ready for any attempts on the officer's life.

"Edwina has a very dirty mouth!" Roy exclaimed as he shook a finger at the fuming child. "Bad girl!"

Author's Notes: I know, I know. There are still some mysteries to be explained and my writing sucks. I hope to clear it up the ambiguities in the next chapter, and I'm tremendously sorry about the 'lack of the ability to string words together and make pretty little stories.'

In any case, stay tuned and be sure to review!

Razra

Thanks: My stupid idiotic brother that is my annoying 'beta,' 'happy' friends that fuel strange thoughts, and readers, like you, that read my concoction(s) but probably will never leave a review...


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